It's 10 pm. Do you know where you and your loved ones are? Here is a collection of experiences from those who live / have lived with an obsessive MMOG gamer and from those who have lived the experience of obsessive MMOG gaming.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

From the WoW Forum:

"1. Serious Aggro Managers - The Guide.
1/17/2006 9:38:44 AM PST by Qil

We've all seen the threads, "Nerf Shamans", "Nerf Hunters", "Nerf so and so." Yea yea, this isn't one of those threads. If running while seeing only gray was as bad as it got, I wouldn't have sat down to tell you about the undisputed ruler of overpowered classes. You guessed it, the Wife.

I shall attempt to explain my strategy on dealing with this class, and discuss a bit about her skills. Let me tell you, she got skills you ain't seen yet. Molten Core, Onyxia, Ahn' Qiraj ...ppfffft. Easy Mode. Any noob with elite gear, buffs, and an army beside them can tackle the mobs in these places. But to truly rank as a Master Player in the World of Warcraft, you must find a way to handle the Wife or you WILL be PWNED without exception. PWNED as in "more than owned. Owned, you just pick yourself up after regaining consciousness. Wife PWNED: you have your mates collect your parts in a duffle bag.

Wife Strategies

Lets face it you and I both know that if you want to avoid a mob, you gotta manage to not draw their aggro. This is a simple and fundamental rule of WoW. So the first area we'll explore is:

Managing Wife Aggro
Things you must know about Wife aggro are:

The mob has a radius of about 100 feet, or the average maximum dimension of a standard house lot. Wife aggro doesn’t diminish if you're at a different elevation or behind a barrier. It sees through and around all obstacles. If you're on the same property, you may be drawing aggro and not even know it.

The Wife is essentially a patrol. You never know where they come from or how long their patrol lasts. They respawn with regularity. They change direction seemingly without pattern. And worst of all they vary their speed and areas of focus often. Basically, think unpredictable with a capital UN.

Here are some initial steps to reduce the Aggro radius.

Stealth: This is your basic tactic, and you should be in this mode at all times. Stealth mode is an art. It requires rapid use of the Alt-Tab key combination, volume control, and engaging in one of your primary or secondary professions quickly. Hear the garage door roll up? Quick say good-bye to your group, Alt-Tab, drink a mug of TV Sound Buffer, and begin channeling: Chore Diversion.

Chore Diversion: Once you have exited stealth mode and you are within the radius of Wife Aggro, Chore Diversion is clearly your best option for minimizing Wife Aggro. The easiest of these is Dish Management. A few quick steps toward your nearest stack of dishes, some moderate clanking noises and a quick /How was your day? is almost a foolproof method to maintain minimal aggro. I try to keep dishes in stacks of 10 nearby so that I'll always have the ability to channel Chore Diversion at a moments notice.

Other notable subclasses of Chore Diversion include:
Blessing of Laundry Management.
Aura of Dusting.
Focus of Dog Brushing.
Stinky Trash Launch.
Cone of Bathroom Facilities Maintenance.

As a side note here there are really only two professions you can take to be even passable at Wife Aggro management. Herbalism is great because picking weeds is always a good chore diversion and can be done at just about any time. Enchanting is the most popular with the elite Wife Aggro managers, because fixing stuff up goes a long way in reducing Wife aggro. It takes more time to do, and it's much harder to Feign Enchanting when coming out of Stealth mode, but give it some time and you'll find that this works almost as good as Seduction.

Subtlety: Subtlety is similar to Stealth but you are able to continue questing at a much slower pace with significantly added danger. This can be done when the Wife is on the phone, in the shower, or other thing that take you completely out of the Wife aggro radius for intermittent times. If the Wife is about to embark on an exercise regime, you may have 1/2 hour or more to quest before the Wife aggro radius envelopes you once again. Trust me, you better be able to stealth and channel Chore Diversion quickly my friend. Hot key these now.

Dinner Sap: This is one of the specialized elite Wife aggro control skill but it can only be used at night and has about a 24 hour cool down. It's another channeled skill and it will take you out of combat for at least an hour. However once you're done you will be well fed and your wife will be in a stunned state (lasts usually 1/2 hour to 2 hours, depending on getting a Wine Crit during channeling.

Long Walk Mind Control: This skill is often used directly after the Dinner Sap. It takes a considerable amount of skill to do this effectively and requires the ability to employ the right emote at the right time during the Long Walk. Let's just say, you definitely need to throw down a /hug if the Wife tells you of a particularly troubling event during the day. A poorly timed /lol will land you in the Dog House after a Stink Eye crit faster that you can say "Honey?" We'll discuss these Wife Elite Skills further later on. Ultimately the Long Walk Mind Control is used as a precursor to getting the wife to take care of some of her own business immediately after and allowing you some time to employ subtlety and play for an hour or two.

Seduction: This is a skill that you now have racked up enough combo points for and you are hoping for a massive crit. Assume (correctly) that you get a combo point for each of the previously used skills of Stealth, Subtlety, Chore Diversion, Dinner Sap, and Long Walk Mind Control. Take those 5 combo points and use 'em quick. You only have about an hour after the Long Walk Mind Control to use Seduction before the combo points start to fade so don't wait on this skill to long. Buff with Light of Candle, and always repair and clean your armor. If possible, use Seduction, kite, then Seduction so that you can throw down Chain Seduction for as long as you have mana.

If you are lucky enough to get a crit while chaining Seduction, you may get the Wife to Sleep (you've just landed a crit). This will allow you time for your mana bar to regen, and you may get 6 to 8 hours of late night play time. If you're like me, this is the best time to attempt an instance. That sleep is usually sound and won't break for a good long time. Keep little adds and patrols controlled once you land one of these.

Vacation AoE Channeling: Much like saving for a mount or that killer piece of armor, you're going to have to save up for the ultimate in expensive Wife Aggro Management tool, the AoE Vacation. Once you begin channeling this, you'll be out of combat for at least 3 days, and up to 2 weeks in some cases. The bonus to this is that you will probably get up to 2 days of uninterrupted play time when the channeling is completed. This can be extended by offering to (Chore Diversion) do the laundry upon return. You may even have enough laundry to extend a play session deep into the night. When you get back from AoE Vacation, you should be at a full blue bar if you're below 60 so you'll be catching up faster than normal.

Now let's take some time to discuss:

Wife Elite Skills

This class has some of the most feared skills in the game and you would be wise to learn all the nuances of the Wife you're facing. Almost every wife starts out with a awesome racial trait:

+200 to throwing skills: Should you draw aggro, this is the one that poses the most immediate risk to your survival. Avoid everything that's coming your way, and don't be a noob and grab something and throw it back, you'll never lose aggro that way. Run. This is your only option. Run fast, run far, drink lots, return when the Wife is sleeping or on patrol somewhere else.

Now for some combat skill that may be used during your upcoming conflict:

Stink Eye: This is the initial curse used universally by Wives when they find out you're playing World of Warcraft. This can place you into the Dog House, a snare that usually lasts between 8 and 24 hours. This means you've drawn Wife aggro and should be preparing for the following attacks.

Cold Shoulder: You will be iced by the Wife, which will give you the false impression that you are moving when in actuality, you're going nowhere. It's a snare and a DoT all in one. Immediately cast Chore Diversion or Dinner Sap or your in for a whoopin’.

Mind Control: When the Wife starts talking you into a situation where it will be impossible to use either Subtlety or Stealth, she's using Mind Control. This is a DoT spell that builds over time. She'll kite you to a chick flick, one of your kid's functions, a Bunko night at a Wives encampment, or the ultimate in smack downs - Shopping. Aak!! Avoid this skill at all costs. Offer Dinner Sap right away. Feign Chore Diversion. Stealth. Get thee away poor warrior, the enemy is using you.

Soul Drain: This is another DoT that can be cast concurrently with Mind Control. If you find yourself watching the Dr. Phil Show at a mall with a latte in your hands, you're being Soul Drained. Combined with Mind Control, there is very little defense. You may just want to die and rez back at a graveyard. Watch yourself here, Wives are notorious corpse campers.

Lash of Power Cord: An instant cast stun and damage dealer that will likely put you in a gray world. Jerking the power cord free of the PC has a 100% crit chance. When the Wife equips the power cord in her off hand and wags her finger with her main hand, you know you've fully pulled all Wife aggro and are headed for a wipe. Hopefully you can reduce aggro by saying "I guess I'm done. Care for a Long Walk?"

Summon Adds: So you've acquired Wife aggro and the battle is not going well. It gets worse fast if she decides to Summon Adds by calling her sister and getting moral support for her state of aggro. This is a direct damage spell that pummels you and heals her. If the battle gets to this, you may have to spam Dinner Sap on the whole extended family. This will drain your backpack but you may be able to find some time for Stealth or Subtlety afterward.

Reverse Seduction: This is the ultimate devious scheme and probably the most effective way for the Wife to take you completely out of combat. She will drain your mana, sap your life and when she crits, you'll be sleeping for a long, long while.

Feign Banish: By the time you get to this point in the battle, it's not looking good and you're searching the world for a heal and somebody to help you crowd control. When the Feign Banish curse gets thrown on you by the Wife, you are in a desperate state. Dramatic action is needed. It may be time for an AoE Vacation. A long one. Things are getting ugly. Find an inn and acquire blue bar cause the Mob you're facing is skulls to you and you really have no chance.

Banish: This is the ultimate weapon, and direct damage spell that also deals damage over time, and is irresistible, not dispellable, and the trinkets that you need to stop this are only available to end game players that are ready to hang up their honor ranking and head off into the sunset of MMORPGS. You cannot win. Look for a new place to hearth to, because you have forfeited your hearthstone. You wanna know when this game ends? You will soon find out. Basically, you're screwed. Avoid this at all costs.

Closing Comments

I hope this guide is helpful. I'm not sure it applies to everyone here in the WoW community but there are enough of us out there that face this Mob on a daily basis. There are many similar mobs on the way to this instance and negotiating these is a similar feat but can often be mind controlled into harmlessness. Be carefule here, the Girlfriend, Significant Other, and Date mobs you face are just getting you combat ready.

Those of you that play with your significant other I say "Good job and kudos." You'll never face the ultimate class in WoW but I'm sure you'll get in more uninterrupted time. Those of you who operate outside this instance, I can only assume you're too low a level, a noob, or a gold farmer not willing to take that risk.

Thanks for your time."

9 Comments:

Blogger J said...

Now THIS is funny... counter hits suddenly skyrocketed, and now I know why:
http://www.penny-arcade.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=213298
http://www.panda-attack.com/community/viewtopic.php?t=4458
http://www.theonyxflame.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=173&highlight=
etcetc.

I'm just a bit disappointed to see how easy it is for the ones who identify the most with the guide to just keep making fun instead of stopping for a second and realizing how someone they are supposed to love and care about might feel miserable. Hell, I used to play a lot, but I never thought that it would be hilarious to make fun of the fact that I ignored my spouse liberally. So you can empathize with a made-up storyline online but you cannot do the same with your family? Think about that for a sec before you continue chuckling...

Feb 6, 2006, 12:53:00 PM

 
Anonymous Dave said...

I'm wondering if the author is planning a sequel that tells his fellow male WoW players how to pretend to be a father too.

Feb 15, 2006, 6:39:00 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is wrong to ignore your spouse, girlfriend, sig other just to play WoW. BUT, and I have witnessed this via fellow guildmates, some of them regardless of what they are doing, don't want you to play period. It could be 4am, and they are sleeping, they will wake up, come out and bug you until you give up shutdown and go to bed...they don't want anything, they just don't want you to play. They could be sewing and get a hint that you are enjoying yourself, BAM, she stops sewing, comes out and and starts up with her many ways of trying to get you to quit...doesn't matter if she was busy, she doesn't want you to be.

I tried a theory out the other day when my girlfriend didn't want to play WoW (yes i am one of the lucky ones, usually) Usually the rule is, if she plays, I can play. But that afternoon she was all over me to stop..So i did, and I followed her around like a puppy for 2 hours, she got pissed and told me to leave her alone and go do something...She got what she wanted and found she didn't like it. Every person is different, but this guide IS funny, because 95% of the women/sig others out there are exactly like this...

Apr 24, 2006, 6:56:00 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I laughed all through this, and will probably still laugh tomorrow. That said, it's only a joke, a humorous story relating real life situations. I love my girlfriend, which am about to get a kid with and I respect her a lot.

I guess "sens of humor" isn't a gift for everyone.

Sep 5, 2006, 3:28:00 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is very funny so funny I had to show my wife who thought it was funny aswell and chuckled. For the rest of the people who cannot see the humor you all need to take a wrap off and look at it for what it is a funny story. if you cannot see it you might want to go see a Doctor and let him or her know your misfortune and maybe the Doc. can help ya. My loving wife and I cannot wait for the sequell.

Oct 23, 2006, 7:13:00 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The first comment about how ignoring your loved you, honestly....hush. You are taking the guide too literal and it's intent is to be comedic. This is pretty funny and my wife got a kick out of it cause she can identify with some of the things on the list.
Brilliant use of stereotypes and classic situations. Bravo and fantastically creative. I loved the analogy at the end.

May 9, 2007, 6:16:00 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

any of you guys that are married know this is true. but they left out the ever hit is a CRUSHING BLOW generally to the balls

Jun 23, 2007, 12:11:00 PM

 
Blogger Sarafina said...

Ok as a WOMAN gamer, a Raider married to a Farmer no less, i thought this to be hilarious.

I used to think hubby spent too much time in wow until he got me a trial version, I have since run my own raiding guild, and am currently working on t6 gear.

Our arguments ar emore about gold than anything else. its funny.

Jan 9, 2008, 1:16:00 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very funny indeed.

Jun 17, 2008, 11:51:00 AM

 

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